At the time this issue went to press, many unusual things were happening across the country:
Congress declared an emergency meeting to address the growing deficit. A member of the Society of American Taxpayers had fallen asleep while watching C-SPAN, but woke up in time to hear an eager politician propose a solution to the problem of the country's eternally overdrawn bank account. “I don't know why the Treasury doesn't just print more cash,” the silver-tongued public servant said. “If we keep the printing presses running around the clock, just think how many new jobs it would create. We're talking about American jobs here! We can show our patriotism by tripling our production of the US dollar. Pretty soon, we might even find it hard to keep spending the money faster than we make it. But we don't have to worry about the U.S. being flooded by cheap bills, because we can spread the wealth around more often than we currently do. All we have to do is give more millions to rogue nations, and they'll be so busy swimming in dough that they'll forget how much they hate our country.”
Donald Trump announced that he will release his tax returns “all in due time.” He promised that everyone will soon see what a “beautiful sight” they are, noting that it didn't hurt to make a few strategic donations to the IRS after they decided to audit him. “I love the IRS!” he announced, minutes after he had finished telling voters just how ugly the tax-collecting agency was. When a journalist pressed him for details on his real feelings for the IRS, Trump held up one finger and told her that no one reads her column anymore. Then he relented and handed a single piece of paper to the persistent reporter. “Here you go,” said the businessman with the huge mound of hair. “Who needs a dot com, when my entire domestic and foreign policy can fit on the back of an envelope? Even with your limited smarts, you might be able to understand it. By the way, I like your hairdo.”
Police officers across the Midwest recently noticed a strange phenomenon: countless drivers were zig-zagging across the road. “I've never seen anything like this before!” exclaimed a rookie cop, sitting in his squad car and watching as yet another car made anything but a straight beeline to its destination. Upon further investigation, it was revealed that most people behind the wheel were simply trying to avoid the many potholes which had cropped up during the past winter. When police realized the reason for the odd driving patterns, many of them presented their findings to the local government. Weeks later, work crews were observed in force, gathering near the worst potholes. Soon afterward, police noticed that the zig-zag method of driving had gone out of style.
On March 13, Americans of all races and backgrounds were united in one focused effort to make it to work on time, in spite of the fact that clocks all over the nation lost exactly one hour, in a process known as “springing ahead”. One employee dashed into his workplace and hurried to punch in, nearly colliding with his sleep-deprived boss. After recording the fact that he had somehow managed to clock in a minute early, the exhausted worker paused for a moment to catch his breath. “It happens every year like clockwork, but it still manages to catch me off guard each time,” he admitted. Nearby, his coworkers could be seen in all the surrounding offices, standing on their tiptoes and trying to reach wall-mounted clocks which still needed to be changed.
Note: The above stories are fictitious and are meant for your enjoyment in honor of April Fool's Day. :)